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theiyouetynifitotheroreven
sooneyouagine
thath
yousharednyoftheiortaionalexperiences
ofyouryounglife.butyearspassedandyoulost
touch.youhadnoideawhereyourfriendhadgone.
oneday,aybe
youareatasocialfun,suddenlythereheisyouare
shoories
andaffe.yoursupandallyou
thinkis,“itsyou”
hisperson.youfeelexcited
anddelightedandgratefulaionalallatthesa
ti.
noeyouetapersonorpersonswhoare
iortanttoyou,especiallylovedonesordearfriends,
createthissafeelingandactasifyouareredisvering
thefteratoolongabsence,asify,
“thereyouare”treatthesespecialpeopleasifseeing
theakesyouincrediblyhappy.slea
thefo.treatthesif
theyostiortantpersonihis
nt.notterheyare,theyhinkthatyou
areanincrediblygperson.
chapter5
thegic
oflistening
raptattentionisthehighestforfflattery.
dalecaegie
yourabilitytolistenion
uchasanyotherskill
youdevelop.ohestiortantqualitiesofa
leaderistheabilitytogatherinfortionbyaskiions
andlisteningcloselytopeoplehavetosay.
danielgolen,authorofetionalintelligencluded
thatyourabilitytoionallyhpeople,
youreq,isasvitaltoyoursuccess,andperhapseven
reso,thanyouriq.hedefihestiortant
16
thegiflistening
qualityofeqas“eathy,”ortheabilitytobeawareof
aivetopeoplesayandtheyreally
an.
hoyhasdefined
thisqualityas“socialintelligence,”edat
theoutsetofthisbook,isthehighestpaidandst
respeofintelligenoursociety.andfortunately,
itbeleaedjustbybeingagoodlistener.
fourkeystoeffectivelistening
everybook,artiately
estothesas
ofeffeastertheyour“charbr >
quotient”diately.
1.
listeively.listenhoutinterrupting.listen
iesilence,asifthereisnothingi
isreiortanttoyouatthisntthanthe
otherpersonissaying.
ifsoonee,
iediatelydisntinueallotheractivitiesandgivethat
personyourpleteattention.
tuoffthetelevision,shutthebookoeer,and
focussinglendedlyoherpersonissaying.
thisbehaviorantlyregnizedandappreciated,
andendousetionalpoheion.
tolistenasifyouaretransfixedbytheotherperson
issaying,igihatyoureyesaresunlasandyou
aregivingthepersonsfaceatan.
thepo
entlylisteobyanother,heis
affeically.hisbrainreleasesendorphins,
natures“happydrug,”akeshieelgoodabout
hielf.hisselfesteeoesupandhelikeshielfre.
aboveall,helikesandtrustsyourebyvirtueofyour
listeningatteohithepayoffisextraordinary.
2.
pausebeforereplying.ratherthanjuinginassoon
astheotherpersontakesabreath,pauseforthreetofive
sends.allooexist.justrelax.
good.first,youavoidinterruptiherpersonifheis
justpausingtahoughtsbeforentinuing.
send,bypausing,youtellthepersonthathesaid
portantandthatyouarensideringitcarefully.
thisreinforcesthepersonalvalueofthespeakerandcauses
hioseeyouasareattractiveandintelligentperson.
third,youactuallyheartheperson,notonlyhe
said,buteant,atadeeperlevelofnd.tryit
ondsee.
3.
questioyouknow
exactlyeantbyhesaid.instead,
helphioexpandonhisstretrerkbyasking,
“hoean”or“ealy”
hereisohestiortantrulesofnication:
thepersonionshasntrol.
thepersonanshequestionsisntrolledbythe
personaskingtheersonisspeakinginanswer
toaquestion,fully100pertofhisfodattentionis
onheissaying;heotthinkofanythingelse.he
istotallyntrolledbythequestioner.
thegiflistening
thetriingsoohisteiqueisto
askyourquestionsthoughtfully.allgreatnicators
knohisaregularly.
4.
feeditback;paraphraseitinyourohe
acidtestofeffectivelistening,theproofthatyouwerereally
payingattention,insteadofengaginginthe“phonylistening”
thatissontoday.
ersonfinishesspeaking,youpauseandsay
sothinglike,“so,youjustdidthis,ahishappened,
andthenyoudecidedtodothat,right”
onlysthatshesaid
andantdoyountiherbyaskinganotherquestion
orntingonhasjustbeensaid.
enareeners
ingeneral,enareexcellentlistenersalready.whena
annicates,agtoiss,fullyseven
en,itisonlytwo.
noftenlistenhalfheartedlytoen,especiallyif
thetelevisionison.thatsbecausenlyprocess
onesensoryinputatati.theyple,both
eoneelsespeaking,
enoreeasily.
theantaninhis
lifeisnottolistentoheran
hasheardtheanaccuse,angrily,“yourenotlisteningto
”
thetypi.”
thenshehasyou.shefoldsherarandasksdendingly,
“allright,then.didijustsay”
thepo
itisonlyifhefeeditbacktohereaccuracy
thatsheknohatheening.
foryoutobeeapletelygperson,you
stleatosterthetei
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